The Facts, Sad To Say

It seems that I only get around to publish something in this every oh, year or so. It's not that I am busy, heck I've been retired for ten years. No, the sad fact is that I am just lazy. Lot's of hot ideas ruminating in my brain but no ambition to put pen to paper.

Let me tell you a few things about my sad life:

I am living proof that Indians really did screw buffaloes. I had a job once breeding exotic fish but everytime I got in the tank all the water slooshed out. I was a professional song listener once but who knew that the Hollies weren't singing about a long cool woman in a flack vest? Or the Beatles weren't saying Pay For My Chrysler (only John would want to be a Paperback Writer, the sneaky snood)? I thought that Creedence Clearwater Revival was singing about a bathroom on the right. I used to be a professional at quite a few things but since I wasn't very good at them, for a time I was a professional non-eater. I wrote a screenplay for My Fair Lady after the movie came out. The studio head told me that it was almost word for word the same script as the movie. I guess I must have misspelled some words. And why hasn't someone with half a brain in his head filmed Gilgamesh? Ollie Stone could do wonders with that one, right Clay Shaw? I wet my pants on stage at my attempt at stand up. That was five years ago, and I still have the pants. The stain is still there so I only wear them a night, in a dark club. I have a terrible gag relex so there goes being a vampire or gay. I want to write something to scream I am alive and to make Ms Huffington swoon over me and say her blog could not possibly go on one more single day without me on staff.

The sad facts are that this is the only place that I will ever get anything published and no one but my wife reads it (do not think I didn't recognize your style even under those aliases). But, then again, even if I were to be popular, and witty and charming, I'm still too lazy to write anything more than once a year.

Toodles, and, see you on the other side!