Why I'm Not Telling You My Middle Name Part One

Does this seem strange to you or is it just my perception, but do all serial killers have three names? I can imagine John Wayne Gacy walking up to one of his young boys and saying "Hi, I'm John Wayne Gacy and I would like to share my life with you...for a little while." Were it me, and he said that to me...I would easily wrest the land speed record from Mr Cheetah, going in the opposite direction.

Maybe the media thinks that using a criminals full name adds a more sinister cast to the alledged killers? I don't know if their mothers had a clue about little johnnies claim to fame, later on in life, don't you think that she would not have chosen to take poor John Wayne down with little Johnnie? Surely she could have been a little more inventive than this!

So, let's slink down the walkway of the Killer's Hall of Fame and see a few of the alumni:

John Wayne Gacy, such a child of god, who lured 30+ young boys to his house to intoxicate, rape and mutilate. According to the KHoF charter, this is good work if you can get it. Personally, I didn't mind working in prison, I just didn't want to live there. And why, in the name of God, would you choose to murder someone in a death penalty state? I mean, Dude, Michigan is right next door and Canada can't be too far for you. Look, take off the clown suit once in a while and think for a change, ok?

Then you have Henry Lee Lucas. Now, Henry was famous or imfamous ( whatever your cup of tea) for killing perhaps 300+ people all over the United States. While it is true that it's believed in some circles, that Henry might not have done even one quarter of that, I think that Henry just wanted to sample the cuisine of other states at the states expense. Henry Lee was looking kind of pudgy there toward the end. Little known fact: Henry was first housed in the State Prison of Southern Michigan for killing his mother. An act he told his social worker that he would do. She didn't believe him. After he killed his mother in exactly the same fashion that he said he would, the social worker got that flashbulb that goes off, you know the ones in cartoons. (I think she now works for the Department of Child Protective Services and God help us everyone ). I worked for the Michigan Department of Corrections and he was still there in 1973. I keep thinking that I may have seen him or even talked to him but perhaps that was just gas. I sometimes think I run on methane and at my advanced age, poor methane. Since Henry Lee was aware that we don't have the death penalty in Michigan, he hopscotched around the country making sure that he visited a death penalty state before he killed someone. Heny Lee was a tad bit lacking in the neuron and synapse department.

Next, we turn our attention to John Norman Collins, better know as the Co-ed Killer. John was so slick and had so much charm that he usually picked up his victims on his moped. I don't know about you, but I'm not getting a picture of a rich, sophisticated man here. Then again, according to my wife, I'm not a female; I have to admit that she doesn't say this nearly enough to curb my anxieties. John Norman would pick up the girls, take them back to his Uncle's house and rape and mutilate them. Did I mention that John Norman's Uncle, you know the one that owned the house that John did his grisley deeds in and left a trail of blood so big that three sharks came by for a visit, was a Michigan State Police Officer? I'm sure that it slipped John's mind too. John only killed 8 girls so he wasn't such a bad guy. I understand that he is taking Anger Management classes. Well, let's do an experiment, let's let John Norman go and have him work on a porno sex site. And the site would cater only to homosexual men. That ought to do it. Let's see him Manage his Anger then. Good case study for Maslov except he is dead. I don't John Norman had anything to do with that, but, hey I was a serial killer.

Lastly, but far from leastly, we have Gary Leon Ridgeway. Not a house hold name, grant you, but his nickname brings back memories. "The Green River Killer". Now, Gary was kind of an environmently oriented dude. He made sure that when he threw the girls in the river they were in plastic garbage bags. He stopped his killing spree after murdering 41 girls. Probably ran out of bags or maybe they came in odd lots of 41 and eveyone knows it a bear trying to find them in the Dollar Store. How did Gary elude capture for 4 years? Hiding in plain sight. Even though he had that three name thing going against him, he didn't tell anyone so, of course he was an upstanding citizen that used his free time in a somewhat bizarre manner.

It's even getting so bad that now the media is applying this three name thing to other criminals not as high on the food chain as murders. Headline "Simple Aimee McPherson accused in Love Triange, or Quadrangle...say Chief, ah how many angles can we get away with here?" or this "Buttley Allen Canisterfart ( no relation) arrested for driving away from the Mobil station without renumerating Mobil for the gas. President puts war on the backburner to investigate. President to bring his own blanket, chocolate milk for naptime"

So I have a solution for this. I will simply refuse to divulge me middle name. Ever! That way when I go to rob the Dollar General (and believe me, don't think that I'm not going to write about this later on, Bubba!) I will get away with it because the police will see that I only have two names (non-suspicious) rather the common trait of three names (highly suspicious.) I'll never divulge!! Haha, coppers, you'll never suspect me, even if you do have my picture on the security moniter. I'll just run for office and you'll never be able to prove it (for more on this see previous blog Hide And Seek At the Whitehouse). I'll never get caught! Why someone has never came up with this scam concept before, I don't pretend to know, but it's all mine now. I'm going to license it and franchise it. Please sign up, I really do need the work.

Well, the old cat is licking his eyebrows on the clock on the wall, but before I leave, if you enjoyed this blog and my other posts, please pass the address on (furtively if you must) to others. And it isn't a crime to comment either and believe me, I looked over the Patriot Act pretty closely on this! It was mute! Unlike Scooter Libby, who was not mute enough.

By the way, the picture of me was taken at last year's class reunion. I was the only one to survive the '60's.

Ta-Taing from the otherside...