Friday, January 27, 2006

Hamas? Hamas?

It wasn't that we could have seen it coming. I suppose the signs were all there. But, geez, Hamas? Voting in Hamas would be like voting in David Dukes for President. In the Palestinian parliament you now have Hamas with 76 seats and 43 seats for Fatah. Ok, this is like apples and oranges. Both parties have their roots in terrorism. Both organizations have never, nor will they ever, renounce terrorism as a basis for their existence.

But, this may work out. Maybe, ( a boy could dream), they would knock each other off. Yeah, I can see it now. Hamas killers riding around in 1920's vintage cars with machinegunners hanging out of the windows, spraying lead at any Fatah they happen to see on the streets. Then, in retaliation, Fatah supporters blowing up Hamas stores. Oh, boy! Democracy in the Middle East means who can kill who faster.

Perhaps they will have to import other groups to provide outside terrorism. Think the IRA or the Tamil Tigers are available? Lets see:

Fatah Member of Parliament: Hello? (Silence) Hello, is there anyone on the other side of the telephone call?
IRA Member: How did you get this number?
Fatah: Ah, Frank gave it to me.
IRA: Frank? Which Frank?
Fatah: You know which Frank, it's the only Frank you got working in Palestine.
IRA: Oh, that Frank. Okay! What can I do for you?
Fatah: Well, I'm calling to see if I can't get a little terror around here.
IRA: What, you don't have enough terror around there as it is?
Fatah: Well, yes but that terror is directed towards Israel. I need some directed ahh...elsewhere.
IRA: Humm. I take it this "elsewhere" would be somewhere in your neck of the woods?
Fatah: Yes.
IRA: Okay, can do. Where do you want the terror sent?
Fatah: I want you to blow the Parliament up.
IRA: Wait a minute I got to find a pencil and a piece of paper. (The sound of rummaging in the backround. A faint call is heard {Nell? Where did you put the paper and pencil? I know we've got some, I put the schematic of Dublin police station on it. Where? Ok, I found it.}) Still there?
Fatah: Still here. As I said I want to to blow up the Parliament.
IRA: Okay, when?
Fatah: Would Tuesday be too soon?
IRA: Nah, Tuesdays' good for us. What time are you thinking of?
Fatah: Around 2 or so.
IRA: Okay, ah, isn't Parliament in session then?
Fatah: Oh, most certainly. I want you to blow it up when everybody is sitting down drinking Turkish tea.
IRA: But...won't your guys be there too? Won't they get blown up too?
Fatah: Don't worry about that, they are expendable, after all that is what terror is all about!
IRA: Hey, it's your party and I don't say that in a political sense. We'll be there on Tuesday next, you got the explosives? You know it's a bear trying to get it on the plane these days.
Fatah: Don't I know it, those Al Qeada punks really put the kabash on that. It's okay though, we got tons of explosives left over from Arafat, all you need.
IRA: Okay, let me mark this down on my calendar..ahh, wait, Tuesdays' no good, we're bombing the snot out of the London subway on that day. But I got an opening on Thursday. Is Thursday good for you?
Fatah: No sweat, Thursdays' good.
IRA: Okay, then. See you then and would you do a favor for me?
Fatah: Most certainly.
IRA: Tell Frank I said hello and that if he gives out this number again I'll have him blown up too.
Fatah: Hey, I got some contacts with the Tamil Tigers. I could take care of that for you.
IRA: Don't you guys do that anymore?
Fatah: Heck no, we're politicians now.

In the Middle East,there's nothing like bringing in a little terror to brighten up your life.


Ta-ta, and tuck the kiddies in for me, will ya?

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Whew! Big Day For George, Huh?

Wow, what a big day for George! According to the New York Times at a "hastily called news conference", President Bush stated that photographs (ahh, that would be plural) taken with disgraced lobboyist Jack Abramoff were not "relevant". I guess my question would be, not relevant to who?

Of course the photos are not relevant to the president. Of course they are not relevant to Jack Abramoff. However, I do believe that they are relevant to the Congressional investigators. I even think, silly me, that they are relevant to the American people.

George, who I think was elected by the people, (I can't remember, are the people in Red states or Blue states?) stated that he has had his photograph taken with "thousands of people that come through and get their pictures taken." Hmmm. I'll have to go through my junk file to find mine. Acutally, let's examine that statement a little closer. The president said that there were thousands who came through and got their pictures taken. Now, help me out Bill Clinton, but if I read that right, he never said that they got their pictures taken with him.

The president went on to say that "having my picture taken with someone doesn't mean that, you know, I'm a friend with them or know them very well. I've had my picture taken with you (meaning the reporters) at holiday parties." My invitation probably got lost in the mail.

The problem with this statement is that he implies that everyone is invited to these parties and that everyone comes with a camera to take these pictures. I guess the security at the White House is a little looser then at the airport. How many lobbyists get invited to the White House for parties. Well, I know of at least one.

The White House (which is, last time I looked, the official residence of the president, George Bush) officials have said that Mr Abramoff also attended some "staff level" mettings at the White House. Perhaps it is just me, but I'd like to know what these "staff level meetings" consisted of and what was discussed. How many lobbyists are allowed at White House "staff level" meetings, anyway? Wellll, I know of at least one. Let's envision one:

Staff Member (oh, let's just pick one, say, Condi Rice): Okay, let's talk about North Korea. Anybody got any good ideas on what we are going to do with this jerk?
General: I think we should bomb the snot out of him.
Condi (Secretary of State): Well, that's a little extreme don't you think? Who else agrees with this, hands? (Jack's hand go up, waving) Jack?
Jack Abramoff (lobbyist): Oh, I agree wholeheartedly with the generals' assessment. Bomb the snot of out him.
Condi (looking a little confused): Well, Jack, we've talked about this before, but tell me again, why you think that.
Jack: I have one word for you, Condi, and that word is, Lawrence Livermore Labs.
Condi: Actually Jack, that is three words.
Jack: Sorry, I just thought that if I said Livermore you wouldn't know what I was talking about.
Condi: Jack, before I took this job I was the National Security Advisor, remember?
Jack: Yeah, I forgot about that, I got you confused with George. Anyway, I got a phone call from the director down there and he said that the warehouse is getting overcrowded with bombs. He asked me to see if we could find a country to bomb the snotout of to, like, relieve the overcrowding.
Condi: Oh, okay. What do you other guys think?
Donald Rumsford (Secretary of Defense): I'm all for it. We didn't get a chance to use up our stockpile of bombs on Iraq, cowards quit too soon. Bomb the snot out of North Korea.
Dick Cheney (Vice President of the United States):
Condi Rice: Thanks for that input, Dick. Mr President, your thoughts?
George Bush (President of the United States): Ahh, actually, I'm not here. Dick told me to come down here to the Strategy Room. Shucks, I never even knew this room existed. Nice design. Nope, I'm not here in any official capacity whatsoever.
Jack Abramoff: Whoa, "capacity", where did you get that big word, GW?
George Bush: Laura.
Condi Rice: Whatever, look let's get a vote down on this. All in favor raise your hands. (All hands in the air). Okay, let's get it done. Jack, call Livermore and tell them it's a go, okay?
Jack Abramoff: I'll get on it first thing after I contact the Indians.
Condi Rice: Why do you have to contact the Indians?
Jack Abramoff: Got to squeeze so more money out of them, big vote today on the House floor, got to grease some palms, you know, guy stuff.
Condi Rice: Oh, okay. Well if no one else has anything...
George Bush: See, Laura was talking about our sex life and she used the word capacity...
Condi Rice: Give it a rest, George, we went by that already.

Now, of course that meeting never took place. Or did it?

Ta-ta and say hello to Broadway!

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Ethicists In Love

Reading the Christian Science Monitor, my Muskegon, Michigan hometown newspaper, I found an article on the difference between a bribe and a donation. Of course we are talking about my favorite species, politicians. The article stated that the Congressional Rules cap non-campaign related gifts to $50.00 per item and $100.00 per year from any individual, including lunches or other meals. This is where if you could see me I would roll my eyes and there would be dead silence. Like the kid said to Shoeless Joe Jackson after he was banned from baseball for gambling, "Say it ain't so Dennis."
Of course Dennis Hastert, like everyone in Congress related to the superlobbyist, Jack Abramoff, is scrambling to return the money (would anyone, anyone please take the money so I can cover my, well, this is a family show so I'll just say..ass) to avoid being thrust into the spotlight. Nice try, but it don't wash here in Michigan and, I suspect nowhere else in the country. I worked for the Michigan Civil Service for 27 years and we could never take a gift, no where, no how. Of course, I did work for Corrections and it would be kind of obvious why I wouldn't want to accept any gifts from prisoners. I guess it is not that obvious to politicians.

Who was it that came up with that ridiculous amount and who did they think that they were going to get to check? "Okay, Mr Hastert, I see that you went to lunch with lobbyist Joe Blow and your half of the bill came to $50.13. Sorry, it seems you went over the limit and I'm going to have to ask you to resign from the House. Sorry, rules are rules." Give me a break. No lunch in Washington, D.C. is going to cost you less than $50.00. The cost of the lobbyists' bribes are built into the bill. Like if you want to leave a tip for the waitress, it is built into the bill. And, I am glad to see that Congress knows the difference between the lobbyist and a "individual". Eases my mind a bit about the boys in D.C.

The first paragraph of the Monitor article stated that ethicists (I swear I didn't make that word up) were conflicted in deciding what constituted a bribe and a gift. What does an ethicist do when there are no scandals in Washington? ( I am perfectly aware that I am now going in the Twilight Zone, there is never a day when there are no scandals in Washington. I mean, it's Washington, isn't it? Do they sit around and cut the cheese and read "Ethicist Today" magazine or what? Do they congregate around the ethically approved watercooler and discuss how ethical Desperate Housewifes are? This question is closely related to another question, What do professional golfers do on their vacation? Work in factories for two weeks?

I mean, here it is, a slow day at the Ethicists' office. No politician is squirming in the media primordial ooze. What do you do? Me? I'd go out and dig up some unethical behavior because you just know that some politician is being unethical someplace, somewhere. So I would be working in the Federal Bureau of Snaking Out UnEthical Politicians. I would even have a badge to flash and everything. Maybe a meersham pipe and deerslayer hat and a cloak. I'd have an English accent and say Tut tut, old boy, a lot. I'd smoke out those evil, unethical non-ethics people who shall remain unnamed.

Nah, forget about it. I make too much money from this blog to give it up. Well, since no one reads my blog that really is not true. And probably unethical of me to say that also.

Where does one go to apply for a job of say, Assistant Chief Ethicist? Do I put a resume' on Monster.Com? What would be my qualifications? How can I get my name in the paper as an Ethicist and be quoted on ethical behavior? And here is the most important part, how much would I be paid? When I interview for Ethicist would I have to fess up to previous unethical behavior? You know, like when they ask you in a real interview if you have had any prior convictions. Of coure, if I were a politician, I could answer that truthfully by saying, " No Sir, no convictions at all".

Would Jackson Browne sing about "Ethicist In Love"?

If anyone out there, maybe even a Ethicist, could answer these questions I would gladly field their call, but I suspect that this question will go into the black hole of knowledge that I will never be privy to.

Ta-ta my pretties!

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

The Problem With Russian Rocks

Reading about Russia's disclosure about the British SPYROCK has started me wondering. The Russians have disclosed that they have a secret surveillance film of Russians uploading sensitive material by lifting up a phony rock in Gorky Park, planted by MI5, British Intellegence (again, the old joke about being a oxymoron if I've ever heard one).

What concerns me the most is the utter disregard for Mother Nature exhibited by the Brits. Do they not know how long it takes to form a real rock. I mean we are talking millions, if not billions of years. You just can't go out and make a rock today and plant it in Gorky Park tomorrow, these things take time to cook.

And, even though the Russkies (I haven't used that term since the 1950's, feels kind of warm and fuzzy) have the goods on the Brits, movies and all I know that nothing will happen. Nothing. Why? Let's say it all together we're dealing with politicians! Basic training for politicians consists of only one phrase and it is worldwide, deny, deny, deny. I don't care if you caught me with my pants down in that fleabag Moscow bordello, sorry, wasn't me; don't know where it is; never saw that girl in my life and you can't take my picture because I'm a vampire and I won't register on film. Tut tut and all that and cheeriio!

Dennis MacShane, MP (Ministry Pimp) has stated that he would have no objections to the new Russian version of the KGB, the FSB, the Federal Security Bureau (a kinder, softer killer) wanted to set up an office in London because, really old chap, nothing sinister is going on. In an extremely cogent statement (not!) Mr MacShane said, "I would have no problems if the Russians wanted to open offices here to support whatever they wanted to support." Figure that one out Bill Clinton. What was not said aloud by Mr MacShane is the if the Russians did open up whatever they wanted to open up to support whatever they wanted to support that they would have to bring their own rocks as all the rocks in England are in Gorky Park; supporting whatever the British want to support, with hollow rocks, or... something.

Later in the day the company that made the rock, the GreyNonDescriptSpyRock company quietly released their new catalogue, England Rocks!

It's said that they got an order from the FSB, but, really, I can't confirm that.

Oh, well, at least I haven't seen Randy Cunningham cry on TV all week. Things are looking up!

Ta-Ta from the otherside...hang in there Tony Blair!

Why I'm Not Telling You My Middle Name Part One

Does this seem strange to you or is it just my perception, but do all serial killers have three names? I can imagine John Wayne Gacy walking up to one of his young boys and saying "Hi, I'm John Wayne Gacy and I would like to share my life with you...for a little while." Were it me, and he said that to me...I would easily wrest the land speed record from Mr Cheetah, going in the opposite direction.

Maybe the media thinks that using a criminals full name adds a more sinister cast to the alledged killers? I don't know if their mothers had a clue about little johnnies claim to fame, later on in life, don't you think that she would not have chosen to take poor John Wayne down with little Johnnie? Surely she could have been a little more inventive than this!

So, let's slink down the walkway of the Killer's Hall of Fame and see a few of the alumni:

John Wayne Gacy, such a child of god, who lured 30+ young boys to his house to intoxicate, rape and mutilate. According to the KHoF charter, this is good work if you can get it. Personally, I didn't mind working in prison, I just didn't want to live there. And why, in the name of God, would you choose to murder someone in a death penalty state? I mean, Dude, Michigan is right next door and Canada can't be too far for you. Look, take off the clown suit once in a while and think for a change, ok?

Then you have Henry Lee Lucas. Now, Henry was famous or imfamous ( whatever your cup of tea) for killing perhaps 300+ people all over the United States. While it is true that it's believed in some circles, that Henry might not have done even one quarter of that, I think that Henry just wanted to sample the cuisine of other states at the states expense. Henry Lee was looking kind of pudgy there toward the end. Little known fact: Henry was first housed in the State Prison of Southern Michigan for killing his mother. An act he told his social worker that he would do. She didn't believe him. After he killed his mother in exactly the same fashion that he said he would, the social worker got that flashbulb that goes off, you know the ones in cartoons. (I think she now works for the Department of Child Protective Services and God help us everyone ). I worked for the Michigan Department of Corrections and he was still there in 1973. I keep thinking that I may have seen him or even talked to him but perhaps that was just gas. I sometimes think I run on methane and at my advanced age, poor methane. Since Henry Lee was aware that we don't have the death penalty in Michigan, he hopscotched around the country making sure that he visited a death penalty state before he killed someone. Heny Lee was a tad bit lacking in the neuron and synapse department.

Next, we turn our attention to John Norman Collins, better know as the Co-ed Killer. John was so slick and had so much charm that he usually picked up his victims on his moped. I don't know about you, but I'm not getting a picture of a rich, sophisticated man here. Then again, according to my wife, I'm not a female; I have to admit that she doesn't say this nearly enough to curb my anxieties. John Norman would pick up the girls, take them back to his Uncle's house and rape and mutilate them. Did I mention that John Norman's Uncle, you know the one that owned the house that John did his grisley deeds in and left a trail of blood so big that three sharks came by for a visit, was a Michigan State Police Officer? I'm sure that it slipped John's mind too. John only killed 8 girls so he wasn't such a bad guy. I understand that he is taking Anger Management classes. Well, let's do an experiment, let's let John Norman go and have him work on a porno sex site. And the site would cater only to homosexual men. That ought to do it. Let's see him Manage his Anger then. Good case study for Maslov except he is dead. I don't John Norman had anything to do with that, but, hey I was a serial killer.

Lastly, but far from leastly, we have Gary Leon Ridgeway. Not a house hold name, grant you, but his nickname brings back memories. "The Green River Killer". Now, Gary was kind of an environmently oriented dude. He made sure that when he threw the girls in the river they were in plastic garbage bags. He stopped his killing spree after murdering 41 girls. Probably ran out of bags or maybe they came in odd lots of 41 and eveyone knows it a bear trying to find them in the Dollar Store. How did Gary elude capture for 4 years? Hiding in plain sight. Even though he had that three name thing going against him, he didn't tell anyone so, of course he was an upstanding citizen that used his free time in a somewhat bizarre manner.

It's even getting so bad that now the media is applying this three name thing to other criminals not as high on the food chain as murders. Headline "Simple Aimee McPherson accused in Love Triange, or Quadrangle...say Chief, ah how many angles can we get away with here?" or this "Buttley Allen Canisterfart ( no relation) arrested for driving away from the Mobil station without renumerating Mobil for the gas. President puts war on the backburner to investigate. President to bring his own blanket, chocolate milk for naptime"

So I have a solution for this. I will simply refuse to divulge me middle name. Ever! That way when I go to rob the Dollar General (and believe me, don't think that I'm not going to write about this later on, Bubba!) I will get away with it because the police will see that I only have two names (non-suspicious) rather the common trait of three names (highly suspicious.) I'll never divulge!! Haha, coppers, you'll never suspect me, even if you do have my picture on the security moniter. I'll just run for office and you'll never be able to prove it (for more on this see previous blog Hide And Seek At the Whitehouse). I'll never get caught! Why someone has never came up with this scam concept before, I don't pretend to know, but it's all mine now. I'm going to license it and franchise it. Please sign up, I really do need the work.

Well, the old cat is licking his eyebrows on the clock on the wall, but before I leave, if you enjoyed this blog and my other posts, please pass the address on (furtively if you must) to others. And it isn't a crime to comment either and believe me, I looked over the Patriot Act pretty closely on this! It was mute! Unlike Scooter Libby, who was not mute enough.

By the way, the picture of me was taken at last year's class reunion. I was the only one to survive the '60's.

Ta-Taing from the otherside...

Monday, January 23, 2006

Playing Hide And Seek At The Whitehouse

I don't know if President Bush ever played hide and seek when he was young, but I do know that he is playing hide and seek with Jack Abramoff now.

While G.W.B. is making highly unethical calls to proponents of overturning Roe V. Wade, he denies that he knows Mr Abramoff, even when presented with a photo shot of Mr Abramoff and himself. Mr Bush says that he doesn't remember when the photo was taken and he states that he can't recall who Mr Abramoff is.

George, do you read the papers ?

George, dude, even I know who he is. I'll bet that there are probably 250,000,000 people in the United States that have never personally met the President. I have never met the President but that could be that I don't return calls on the phone. Maybe he has lost my address; hey, it happens. I'm pretty sure that Jack has lost my address because I'm not in Scotland playing golf. It's cold here so perhaps it is too cold to play golf there. Who knows?

As we all know, photographic evidence doesn't mean anything if y0u are a politician. And, if you are a politician and there is a photo of you with a prominent lobbyist, it was just an accident and doesn't mean that you, the President, even knows who is in the photo with him. If I went to the White House gate right now and asked if I could go in and get a personal shoot with the President, I'm sure that they would let me in. They may make me park my car, but I'm for sure that they would let me in.

I would just wander around until I found George. He would probably being taking a nap but I'm sure that he could put the problems of the war away to take a picture with me. I am sure that if I was a lobbyist, George would say "Whoa...I can't take a picture with you, your a lobbyist!

Mr President, it is highly unethical to spur on opponets of the law of the land, and it is just as unethical to lie about contacts with a lobbyist. Think that through again, and in your wonderful, folksy way, look into the camera again and fess up. It's good for your soul. You know all about your soul, don't you, Mr President?

Ta-ta for now, homies.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

The Most Expensive Sex In The World

One might wonder, Where is the most expensive sex in the world? One might think of ex0tic places such as the West Indies; one would be wrong. One might think of the East Indies; one would be wrong. One might even think The South Seas, or Mexico or any number of spots such as this across the world; again, one would be wrong.

To find the most expensive sex in the world you need go no father than Neverland in California. The cost of sex there is really high.

Take for example the price that you can get for fellatio on the Neverland Ranch. Best estimate, 15,000,000 dollars. That is how much Michael Jackson paid out in 1993. Plus, another 5,00,000 million dollars for lawyers fees and another 2,000,000 for the father of the boy, Jordan Chandler. I hope my wife doesn't read this blog. And if she does I hope she never asks me to...well at those prices I don't think I'll even ask.

Now, the place to go for the second most sex in the world...I'll give you all those other exotic places in the world and guess what? Your wrong again. For those of you playing at home and chose the Neverland Ranch in California...YOU WIN!

Yes, sir, this involves the most expensive crotch grope in the world. This would include 2,000,000 for the young boy involved Jason Francia, and his mother for this little party to go away. Two gropes on the outside of the shorts and one grope inside the shorts that, according to Jason, lasted two cartoons. I didn't think cartoons were that sexually charged but you would have to ask Michael Jackson about that. It seems to me that if the sky was blue, Michael Jackson was sexually charged. This did not take into account the 20,000 that the mother, who by the way was Michael Jackson's faithful maid recieved from Hard Copy tv. He trusted her. Hate to see what he would do with a maid that he hated.

Over the years I may have paid this kind of money to my wife but I would have to go over the bills for the last ten years and I'm too tired from writing this to check.

These are the known payouts that Mr Jackson has paid for this sex at Neverland. I don't know if anyone else was hitting this cash cow but if they weren't then Californians are dumber than I thought they were.

Actually, as you know this money paid out to these childern will never bring their innocence back. Nothing will do that. And the fact that Mr Jackson walked out of courthouse considered not guilty of taking their innocence is criminal in and of itself. Two people on the jury stated that they believed that he was a child molester but one said he didn't think he was guilty on this case and the other said she didn't like the victims mother. Lady, if you perfer a child molester over a mother, you need some serious help and the both of you need some serious butt-whooping. The other ten, no hope.

They say that money can get you out of a guilty finding. Well, Michael how much did you spend after the 27,000,000 that got you there?

Not enough, I hope.

Ta-ta from this side, my pretties.

Friday, January 06, 2006

Pat, You Naughty Boy

Pat, Pat, Pat. What in the world are you thinking? You state that the stroke that Ariel Sharon had was a punishment from God. Are you on drugs? Silly question, it should be what kind of drugs are you on?

Pat, are you still holding a grudge against the Jews? Lighten up, the Jews have more than atoned for that little party. You damn cities, you celebrate when a world leader has a life threatening stoke...What kind of weird-oh are you?

Pat, let me get in on a secret. Psst..closer...Aw, come on...closer....Whap! There's a good one upside your head. What kind of dumbass are you? Do you believe that your a Christian? I really don't think so. Do you think that you speak for the Lord? I don't think so.

Pat, you've made an ass out of yourself for many years now. At least Jim Baker had the good sense to go to prison. I don't believe that you have the sense to come out of the rain. Well, the rain is a comin', Pat. And your going to get very, very wet.

If, and it is a big if, you ever entone or pretend to be righteous again I believe that everyone should get up and leave your dumb ass. Who writes your scripts? Who thought it was a good idea to put a racist, bigoted fool such as yourself up for President. Can you even imagine what state this country would be in if you had won? It was concievable, just ask Jimmy Carter, he knows all about that.

To paraphrase a famous comment by Boston attorney Joseph Welch during an appearance before Senator Joseph McCarthy I state: "Until this moment, Reverend, I think I never really gauged your cruelty or your recklessness. Have you no decency, sir, at long last?"

You sir, are the type of person that the rest of the world holds up as an example of the Ugly American. You sir, are no man of God. You sir, should go back to the slime pit that you oozed out of. You sir, are a pimple on America's backside. Your vitrolic statements should be taken for what they are, the drivel of an old, bitter man who has lost his way. And I don't think that you will ever find your way back. Think now of heaven sir, because your never going to get there from here.

Ta, ta, Pat! Hang in there, Ariel!

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Random Effluvia

(Editors Note: For Immediate Release::::::::Today Bruce Maybee, writer of the Internet Blog "Am I Right? Maybee...the human comedy, explained. Sorry Mr De Balzac", announced to a stunned family (the only ones reading his blog and only because of veiled, vague threats) that he will not include recipes on his blog. After several attempts at clarification by Mr Maybee's wife, PZ, Mr Maybee would only state, "I'm really not interested in recipes." Shock and awe followed, in that order.

In regards to the growing scandal of the Jack Abramoff congressional pay-off/bribe/just seeing that the boys are taken care of, Alice Fisher, head of the Justice Departments criminal division, stated that "Government is not for sale." One reporter was overhead to say "What planet does she live on?"
In this writers opinion the remark was uncalled for as it was fairly obvious from the announcement which planet Ms Fisher lived on.

In a related story, Speaker of the House Dennis Hassert has announced that he would be returning funds given to him by Mr Abramoff. In a lame announcement given only to the bathroom staff of the Congress toilet, Mr Hassert explained that since he has recieved money from other lobbyers he didn't really miss the money anyway. This is a shining example that this writer would like to see from other "victims" of nefarious schemes. Hang in there, Denny Baby!

In still another related story, Rep Ney from Ohio stated that he had been "duped" by Mr Abramoff into accepting free trips to the Super Bowl, free trips to Scotland to golf and free dinners in Mr Abramoff's upscale resturant. The writer was overhead to say "I wish someone would offer to dupe me in this manner." This cause one reporter to say "What planet does he live on?", to which Mr Maybee had no answer.

One wonders how one can be duped into recieving this free gifts and money to boot. One also wonders how anyone from Ohio could be worth the effort. This stems from the personal bias of the writer of this blog and can only be viewed as prejudicial, at best. However, my daughter, Amanda knows full why Ohio strikes terror in the hearts of her family. However, it must be noted that Ms Elizondo has a "pissy attitude" when the subject of Ohio is mentioned. Nothing further can not be revealed at this time but stay tuned, investigators from the Justice Department's criminal division, headed by Alice Fisher, is on the case. Hang in the Alice Baby!

In a shameless attempt at filling out space in his blog, Mr Maybee states that he will be adding a column later on called "Tales From The Darkside". Mr Maybee refused to ellucidate any further on this shameless attempt.

Flash!! Lindsay Lohan has denied that she will be a spokesman for the Taco Bell Corporation. She states that at no time during her latest ordeal has she stated "I'm fulllll" and meant it. A stunned American appeared to be speechless at this announcement. Let's hope that perhaps some of it is true. Or not. I don't care.

Ta, Ta.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

The Biggest Political Scandal Since, Well The Last Biggest Political Scandal

Oh boy! Ususally Washington waits until the summer to heat up their scandals, however, it looks they they jumped the gun on this one!

Jack, Jack, Jack. What do you have against the system? Why have you made so many "victims" of our legislators? Could it be criminal in nature, or are you just so aware that our poor "victims"don't have the kind of money that they should be entitled to? A concerned citizen, perhaps?

I have heard that a number of Senators are giving back the money that they obtained from you. Let me ask this; If I rob the bank today and the police track it back to me, can't I just return the money and not be charged with bank robbery? Even if I spend all the money, can't I just get a bank loan to pay it back? If the Senators have their way the concept would be the same. I'm sure if I point that out to a judge I would never be convicted. I'm a "victim" of society.

This promises to be the biggest politcal scandal since..well, the last biggest political scandal, which doesn't come to mind right now, but I'm sure that no political party will make hay out of this. I'm certain of it. Besides, the Democrates aren't what I would describe an "organized" party to begin with.

Good thing I gave up watching Fox News. Who knows what kind of headlines they have over there. Would the poop hit the fan if all of the felonious, whoops, I mean "victims" are Republicans? Bill, Alan, Mort and the rest would have to serve as apologists, a position that since 1992 I don't think they know how to act. How could Ann Coulter look herself in the mirror over that? Is there a "vast left wing conspiracy"? Is that even grammically possible? Does Ann dye her hair and did she just get out a shower without drying same hairand rush down to the studio to do the shows? Why, with that unfortunate hairstyle does she always appear on Hardball?

Need I remind you, dear readers, that for the most part, you voted these guys into office. You fell for the same old lies that politicians have been sprouting since Nebbakanezzer (Editor's note:Phonetic spellings are allowed according to the Bloggers Bible.) I vote, yes I do. But I only vote for women and communists, you can't pin this one on me.

One waits with antiscipation to see what comes of all of this. Will President Bush, by association, be impeached. It was his mangled sintax ( Editors Note: Ho, ho, ho!) that drove them over the edge. I know it's driving me over the edge but I'm not quite ready to impeach him for it. Will Condie Rice resign to take a billion dollar a year job as a lobbist? After all, someone has to take Jack's place.
Who will be in the backround pulling the strings if Dick Cheney becomes president?

I will be glued to my television (perhaps that is not a good idea because I wouldn't actually be able to see the television; it would be like radio, how passe`) to see how this transpires.

Sometimes I wish I lived in France. They have no moral problems there. In France, "Anything Goes". (Editors Note: The author regrets his last line and states that he will soon be released from the mental institution soon and to watch for his further posts!)

"Do you expect me to talk, Goldfinger?"
"No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die!"

On Being Open

I like to think of myself as an open person. I believe that my wife PZ is also, but she is not open to the concept of an "open marriage". Beats me.

I am usually open to most anything, I like to speculate, I like to ponder. And according to my daughters; I like to go on, and on and on and...well you get the idea.

The theories of aliens probing earth, earthlings and cows baffles me. I mean, what about cows attracts aliens, other than their anus'? Do cows remind them of some loved one back home? I am not too crazy being invaded by cow-like creatures, espescially ones with "mad cow" disease. Perhaps those cows that do have mad cow disease are aliens!!!

Recently I got into a conversation with a friend that is sure that aliens do exist. I've got to find better bars to hang out in. I told him that I was open and I would like to hear his thesis. Firstly, he talked about all of the alien abductions and that under hynosis they all tell pretty much the same story about their ordeal. Whitney Striber has made a cottage industry about this, however he seems to have better relationships with aliens than the majority. I asked him for proof. "What?" he says. "The proof, the proof that these people were abducted." I calmly entoned. He went on to state that for the most part, these were reputable people from all walks of life. "For the most part?" was all that I asked before he went on to another part of the concept.

He stated that for the most part, (obviously he didn't pick up on mysarcasm from my previous question), all people who have seen the aliens tend to describe them in the same manner. These days the "little green men" wear gray suits. Fashion changes, even on other worlds. They describe them with having a bulbous head with large black eyes. Seems like that decription has been around since the 50's in early science fiction movies, and it could not have possiblly imprinted anyone, I am sure.

Iasked him where the aliens hid. He asked his world famous question, "What?" I insisted, if they are around earth, where do they hide, they must hide or else we all would see them! "Well, they must have a secret base, maybe under the water, or maybe up in space. I said "Well, if they are in outer space why come we can't see them (you have to remember I am from Michigan and we do tend to talk a little strange, Yoda I think, was modeled on a former Governor of Michigan)? "What do you mean?" I happen to think that I speak very plainly and out of habit from talking to Michiganders, very slowly. One gets the idea that he was playing for time to think. I pressed on, we have satillites and the Hubble Telescope and we can see back to the Big Bang. Don't you think that we could see a measly extraterristrian space ship hovering in our galaxy?

Invisible, he retorted. "Invisible?" "Yeah, they have this like, invisible ray that they shoot at the telescope and the cameras and stuff, so we can't see them." I asked him if he ever watched Star Trek and he swore that he had not. Of course I believed him.

Then I asked him where did they come from? He stated confidently that they must have come from the middle of the Milky Way. I asked him if he knew how far away the nearest star is to us, aside from good old Sol. "What star?" Alpha Centauri, I said (because as it happens, I know everything) and I told him that it was two light years away. He brighted up and said see, there you go! Then I explained that light travels at 186,000 miles a second, 700 million miles an hour. An hour! I told him that even if he just lived to be aged 60 in earth years it would still take him 21, 900 years to get there.

"Well, I just believe they are here, that's it! That's final!", and indeed it was. You can't mess this concept up with facts, they just don't wash. At least not in Michigan. I only had one reply, "What?"

Now, if I could just use logical reasoning to explain open marriage to PZ then, maybe, we would be getting somewhere.

Ta, ta for now.